You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So vagazzling was a success
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
