God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
