You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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