She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My bed smells like the plague
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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