If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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