I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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