dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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