I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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