In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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