Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
