a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
