I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
