Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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