my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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