The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
