I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
