Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
