maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
