I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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