CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
