Pants 0. Shit 1.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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