Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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