my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
