Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
