So drunk its hurt
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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