you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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