He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
