M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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