If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
