just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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