I hate all girls vehemently.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
