Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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