Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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