There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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