Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
