He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
her vagine was all disorganized.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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