Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
