Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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