yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
