literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
