My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
