Three words: puerto rican gang bang
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You're like the curious george of whores
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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