I just threw up on my dentist
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
