So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
