im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
