I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
