literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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