ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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