We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
