DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
